How long does it really take to get over a breakup and what does the research reveal |
That quiet Wednesday evening when you realise the texts have stopped, the Saturday routines feel hollow, and your reflection shows someone you’re learning to live without, a relationship ending can hit harder than you ever expected. Whether the split was mutual or sudden, the emptiness tends to linger. A peer-reviewed study in Social Psychological and Personality Science found that, on average, it takes around 4.18 years for the emotional bond to a former partner to reach its halfway point, and for many people, the process of truly “getting over” an ex may stretch close to eight years. In this article, we’ll explore how long recovery after a breakup typically takes, what factors influence the timeline, how to cope during the process, and practical steps you can take today to support your emotional healing.
What the research says about how long it takes to get over a breakup
Multiple studies converge on the idea that there is no quick fix when it comes to emotional recovery. The key peer-reviewed work shows that participants whose relationships lasted at least two years often required several years for the bond with their ex to weaken to the same level as a stranger. Smaller earlier studies reported shorter timelines; for example, one study involving undergraduate students reported improvement in about 11 weeks. The variation in results reflects how deeply relationships affect us and how individual factors shape our healing journey.
Why some breakups take longer to heal than others
The timeline of moving on is influenced by multiple things.
- Length and intensity of the relationship: Longer or more intense relationships often create stronger emotional bonds, making recovery slower.
- How the breakup happened: Being the initiator often helps you move on faster; being blindsided or betrayed tends to prolong the healing. Research shows that having a clear understanding of why the breakup occurred can lessen long-term distress.
- Contact with the ex-partner: Continuing regular contact or social media stalking keeps emotional ties alive and delays closure.
- Attachment style and mental health: Individuals with anxious or avoidant attachment styles may struggle more. Those with higher baseline anxiety or depression before the breakup often find the recovery harder.
- External life stressors and support: Factors like social support, new relationships, work stress and self-care all play a role in how resilient the process is.
How the emotional process of recovery unfolds
Recovery after a breakup is not linear. You may go through phases like shock, denial, anger, sadness and eventually acceptance. Many people revisit old routines, memories or hope for reconciliation before realising the relationship is over. As one study emphasised, having a reasoned explanation for the breakup and taking control of one’s narrative is linked to better psychological outcomes.Over time, the intensity of the emotional bond declines: what once felt urgent and consuming gradually recedes into background memory. But the pace will differ greatly from one person to another.
Practical steps to accelerate your healing
Here are actionable steps to support your recovery:
- Limit contact with your ex: If possible, reduce or pause communication and remove triggers like social-media profiles or places you frequented together.
- Build a supportive routine: Focus on sleep, nutrition, exercise and hobbies. These anchor you and offer healthy outlets for emotional energy.
- Reflect and learn: Write down what you learnt from the relationship, what you’d do differently and what you want next. Understanding helps process the experience rather than bury it.
- Seek social connection: Spend time with friends or family, try new activities and meet new people. This doesn’t mean jumping into a new relationship, but it means expanding your world.
- Professional help if needed: If you find yourself stuck in patterns of rumination, depression or self-destructive behaviour for many months, a therapist specialising in relationship loss can help.
- Be patient with yourself: Remind yourself that healing takes time, that it’s normal to still have residual feelings and that progress may be slow but still meaningful.
What to keep in mind about the recovery timeline
- There is no fixed deadline. One person might feel significantly better after a few months, while another may still be processing a breakup years later, and that is normal.
- Moving on doesn’t necessarily mean forgetting. Instead, it often means redefining your emotional connection so that memories remain but no longer dominate your emotional landscape.
- New relationships or rebound romances may feel healing, but they don’t replace genuine processing. Without addressing your own feelings first, patterns can repeat.
- Strength doesn’t mean being unaffected. The fastest recovery often comes not from being “over it” but from engaging honestly with pain, making meaning and gradually building a new self-narrative.
Breakups are one of life’s most intense emotional experiences. The research reminds us that healing often takes far longer than we hope, years, in many cases, and that the pathway is unique to each person. But with time, self-compassion, and intentional action, you can move from being in the middle of a breakup to forging a renewed sense of self and a future that suits the person you are becoming.Also read| What makes a three-month situationship hurt more than a relationship? A deeper dive
